Dresden Files: WTF?!

I was in the library the other day, trying to find Paladin of Souls because of good reviews I read about it, when in roughly the same vicinity I found Jim Butcher's Storm Front: Book One of the Dresden Files.  I heard it was a decent series. Some people said it was like an adult Harry Potter and others said the main character was awesome. It was on the bestseller list, right? And the cover says "As seen on SciFi" so it must be fairly popular. What the hell? Let's give it a try. Oh, boy. I gave it a try alright. A trial in the court of me.

All I have to say is Jim Butcher lives up to his name: BUTCHER. Jesus H Christ. This book... I don't even know where to BEGIN. So let's go easy and start with the novel's summary as printed on the back cover.

Harry Dresden is the best at what he does. Well, technically, he's the only at what he does.
So when the Chicago P.D. has a case that transcends mortal creativity or capability, they come to him for answers. For the "everyday" world is actually full of strange and magical things--and most of them don't play too well with humans. That's where Harry comes in. Takes a wizard to catch a--well, whatever.

There's just one problem. Business, to put it mildly, stinks. So when the police bring him in to consult on a grisly double murder committed with black magic, Harry's seeing dollar signs. But where there's magic, there's a black mage behind it. And now that mage knows Harry's name. And that's when things start to get... interesting.

Magic. It can get a guy killed.

Yeah, okay. Not bad right? I can think of whole lot of shittier summaries. "Benedict can only choose one toilet seat....and only one. Does he pick the one with the cushion? Or the one with a naked lady painted on it?" See? Can be worse. 

Let's begin....

Chapter 1 + 2

Okay, narrative is alright. Story starts off with Harry getting harassed by a new mailman who doesn't believe he's an actual wizard. Getting mocked naturally puts Harry in a bad mood and he gets a bit snippy with the dude. The guy leaves and Harry introduces himself to the audience. He says he's the only open-practicing wizard in the entire country, and apparently the yellow pages were quite accommodating to allow an entire new section ("Wizards") just for our ol' Harry here. Yep.

Harry has got this beef about Science. That's science with a capital "S," my friends. Science is da evil, and is like a boyfriend who promises to buy an engagement ring but still fears commitment. If I lost you on that last metaphor, basically Science sucks! Get use to Harry railing on da Science because he bitches about it whenever and wherever.

So why all the hate? Well, Harry states that "all the things Science [has] promised us [haven't] come to pass. Disease [is] still a problem. Starvation [is] still a problem. Violence and crime and war [are] still problems" (3). And what? Magic solves these? Not exactly doing a great job of it, is it? I have three words for you, Harry, and they are "pot," "kettle," and "black." And when has science ever promised anything? It's an ambiguous word used to categorize many things. It can hardly promise anything.

Okay, so he has an opinion. Maybe he's like an extreme Amish person. Sort of like how a vegan is the extreme version of a vegetarian. So he's doesn't like technology. Big deal, right? Well I swear to god on the very next page...... he answers the phone. HE ANSWERS.... THE PHONE.... See where I'm going here? We've already established that he can receive mail. Couldn't he just put in his little yellow page ad, "Contact me via mail"? If you don't trust electronics that much... there are ways around it. But right now, Harry's reminding me of this one customer I had who complained that "kids these days" rely too heavily on technology and crap as she paid using a debit card and drove off in her car.

And it gets better. So Harry actually gets two phone calls. One is for a client that he plans on meeting later, and the other is from the Chicago police. Harry works as a magician consultant *snort* and they need his help. Gee, for a world that doesn't believe in magic (they believe in that devil Science) the tax payers and most of the police force seem A-ok with using a profession magician (sorry....wizard) to help solve brutal murders.

Anyway, the caller is a woman named Murphy. She tells him to meet her down by a hotel for a murder case. When we are introduced to Murphy....it's....rather poor writing. I'm sorry. There are moments were this novel has some fairly decent writing, and others are like, well, this:

Karrin and I are a study of contrasts. Where I am tall and lean, she's short and stocky. Where I have dark hair and dark eyes, she's got Shirley Temple blond locks and baby blues. Where my features are all lean and angular, with a hawkish nose and a sharp chin, hers are round and smooth, with the kind of cut nose you'd expect on a cheerleader (10).

First off, I wrote like that in fifth grade. Rule one of writing: don't list out everything your character looks like. Especially not smack dab in the beginning of a chapter. Yes, it's difficult to establish your character's appearance without listing, but that's what separates the big boys from the toddlers. Also, Harry loooooooves to compare women to cheerleaders.

He also likes giving us a scale on how respectable the woman is based on how much makeup she's wearing. Apparently, Harry feels her makeup is of "sufficient quality and quantity" (10). Just the way he says it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like if she were wearing more you wouldn't trust her or perhaps you'd think she's a whore? I don't know. Just a bit bizarre.

Now, here's where my real beef with this novel comes up. It's fucking sexist! The best part is it tries to not be sexist by going out of the plot's way by describing how Harry is chivalrous by opening doors for ladies (which in fact you should do for everyone, no matter the gender, because it's polite), but then turns around and spouts this crap at the brutal crime scene: 

Murphy glared at me, "You keep saying 'she,'" she challenged me. "Why the hell do you think that?"

I gestured toward the room. "Because you can't do something that bad without a whole lot of hate," I said. "Women are better at hating than men. They can focus it better, let it go better. Hell, witches are just plain meaner than wizards. This feels like feminine vengeance of some kind to me."

Oh no you didn't! As if the author knew what he just did there, he lampshades by having an officer call him a chauvinistic pig. But Harry still doesn't back down from stating a woman probably did it. But hey! Maybe Harry's right. I mean, I most certainly am doing a fine job hating on this novel. Perhaps the fact that most murders are committed by white males means nothing after all. Still, I can't believe people like this character. I pray that this is supposed to be a James Bond, who the author wrote for the audience to hate, but everyone ended up liking him anyway. Well, I'm going to continue reading to see if it is.

The hotel, though, is described quite well. You definitely get a strong idea of what this love pad looks like. Also, it gives us a great idea of what kind of people the victims were, which I like. And that's it. Later folks. I really hope it does get better.

Review-- Unnatural Issue: An Elmental Masters Novel by Mercedes Lackey

Earlier on this blog--one of my first posts, as a matter of fact--was a review of The Black Swan by Mercedes Lackey. This was a decent novel with a decent set of characters that was enjoyable to read. After that positive experience, and after hearing how popular this author is in the fantasy world, I decided to give Unnatural Issue a try.

The "Elemental Masters" series, as far as I'm aware, is about humans with the ability to control fire, water, air or earth. Those who are particularly powerful and bend their element to their will are referred to as Masters, though other non-Masters can have small abilities such as lighting fires or keeping milk from curdling...that sort of thing. Each book is a retelling of a popular fairy tale, but with these added twists of Elemental masters.

This particular novel I'm reviewing is based off the story "Donkey Skin." In case you aren't familiar with "Donkey Skin," consider yourself somewhat lucky. There's a reason why Disney hasn't had a cartoon musical made out of it yet. So let's just say that an alternative title for this fairy tale is "The King Who Wished to Marry His Daughter" and leave it at that. Yeeeeeeah....

Yet with such a controversial tale, how could this NOT be an entertaining read? I was sold. I placed a hold on a copy at the library and waited for the novel to come out.
 Just a couple months later, I swung by the library to pick up my copy. After a couple days of reading, I closed it and put it down with a sigh. Ultimately it was quite a let down.

The story is about a man named Whitestone who is called away while his wife is pregnant. As he's returning to his country manor, he realizes with his earth magic that his wife is in labor. He rushes home only to find her dead, but the babe is still very much alive. In typical, over-dramatic fashion, he blames his daughter for his wife's death, wants nothing to do with the baby, and locks himself away in the upper reaches of the manor for almost two decades. The baby grows up into a young woman named Suzanne. She's raised as a servant in her own manor and doesn't feel as if she fits in anywhere. The servants still act as if she's above them, yet she feels as if she's a part of them. The fairy, Puck, teaches her how to use her inherent powers since her father is most certainly not teaching her.

One day, though, Whitestone looks out his window and half-imagines he sees his wife walking towards the manor. He has been experimenting with dark earth magic, particularly necromancy, in attempts to resurrect his wife. The vision he sees is actually his daughter, but it takes him awhile to realize this, having not seen her for seventeen years. But seeing how identical she is to her deceased mother, that sets the ball rolling and the story begins.

Sounds like a great, exciting story, right? WRONG. For starters, it feels almost like this novel had a deadline that everyone was rushing to meet. There were instances of repetition or contradiction that just make it sloppy. For example, on the repetition, there is a passage from the father's perspective that explains ghosts. A paragraph or so later, the exact same explanation is given yet again but only slightly different. Contradiction-- does the main character have a strong country accent or not? I found a whole slew of contradictions that can just all go to hell for all I care...and perhaps they did because I cannot recall anymore. (Note to self: Take notes next time!)

Also, the author failed to realize what was more interesting to read about--the necromancy and father-daughter relationship gone wrong. We only get to see necormancy in action a couple times and a much larger portion of the novel is the protagonist in hiding, with a rather dull group of Elemental masters, or during World War I. Not once do we feel that Suzanne is in anyway threatened by her father. She either has some other Master take care of it for her or she just runs away. Whoopie.

On the brightside, the author did an excellent job of making me feel 100% apathetic toward Suzanne's character. A not too rare feat, indeed! Whitestone's misogynistic nature was also properly reinforced...sorry, let me rephrase that.... properly reinFORCED. His women-hating was so clear and vivid I could practically picture him twisting a thin mustache! Excellent writing, my friends.

Whoops, tried to not let my sarcasm take hold this entire review but there it popped up. Le sigh. Anyway, in all seriousness, the ideas in this novel are excellent. The way the author added in necromancy to the story of "Donkey Skin" worked nicely and logically. I also loved the images of dead soldiers rising from the trenches through necromancy, but ultimately this was rather boring to read. I found myself skimming to the parts were necromancy was used and jumping over the little romance sections and other "nothing happens" sequences. It's just a "meh" from me.

A big, boring MEH.

Black Swan: Part 3 -- Novel by Mercedes Lackey

In 1999, an author named Mercedes Lackey wrote The Black Swan, a novel based off the story of Swan Lake. The story is essentially the same, but with several major differences to offer flavor. For one, the story is mainly told through Prince Siegfried and Odile's perspectives.

The story begins with Odile taking care of the flock by their castle's lake. Odile believes and trusts her father for who else does she have to believe? She's locked away in the castle with nothing but her spell books. The only thing she longs for is for her father's affection, but his stony persona rarely delivers the attention she longs for unless she performs practical magic, such as cleaning the house or banishing pests.

Things start to change once Odile's father, Baron Eric von Rothbart, challenges Odette to find love. If she can find the love of a man, even with him knowing her as both a swan and a maiden, she and the rest of the flock will be free from the spell. Odile grows closer to the maidens as she speaks to them more and more. She dawns upon the realization that perhaps her father isn't all he seems.

Far away from the baron's home is the castle where Prince Siegfried resides. He is a womanizer and only seeks out the pleasures palace life can bring him. He remains this way until a tragic event wakes him up and forces him to change his ways. Luckily this change happens just before his birthday, which requires him to find a bride from a local group of princesses. What he doesn't know is that his own mother is making plans to ruin her son so she can remain queen.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Lackey diffidently did her research on the ballet. The names of the main characters have stayed the same. The swans change to girls at the touch of moonlight; all the essentials are there. She even knew that von Rothbart turns into an owl. (Not bad, Mercedes! Thumbs up from me!)

What has changed are some of the characters' personalities and how they are manipulated into the storyline. For example, Odile is used by her father, not his partner. Prince Siegfried is a romantic but is perhaps too romantic to too many girls. Odette is pretty much the same, but it is made clear that she is an educated woman of high rank, even outside the group of swans.

Lackey also adds some of her own story elements, such as the mother wanting to remain queen and the plans of a minstrel named Uwe (pronounced oo-vey. Because if you're like me, you probably pronounced it as "ew" originally.). Lackey also hints as to why Von Rothbert keeps all these swans where the ballet left it to the imagination. These all flesh out the story so it would be more fitting for a novel. Still, it's the tale of Swan Lake and told quite nicely too.

I really did enjoy Lackey's writing style. I read another novel she wrote that featured ballet and it wasn't as good, but this one knows its characters and story. It's a lovely retelling of the story Swan Lake, and honestly, one of the few out there. And even if you are lucky to find another one, I doubt they'll be quite as good as this one.

The novel is 402 pages long in paperback format and also has a hardback release. A copy can be found at Amazon and probably can still be found at physical bookstores since this is written by a popular fantasy author. The paperback novel is only $7.99.

Rating: 9/10
Definitely worth buying or at least a rent from the library!